For the first time in this long process of my “cubicle escape”, I’m starting to get scared and second guess myself. I know its natural to feel hesitant when you’re standing on the ledge, getting ready to take a step out with no visible net below. Who wouldn’t be a little freaked out? The reality is I’m the only person on that ledge – no one to give me a little shove other than myself.
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| Is this where I’m meant to spend my days? |
My biggest fear right now is related to finances. I have been taking some measures to save money, but the truth is I’ve not sacrificed all else to afford this trip like I know some people do. I still go out to dinner or drinks with friends, pay to get my hair done, and get the occasional massage when Capoeria and sitting in an office chair all day have done a number on my back. But I have done a lot better with shopping. I’ve barely bought any new clothes, shoes or (most difficult) things for my apartment. I reluctantly skipped out on an affordable snowboarding trip with friends, knowing the money could go towards my expenses on the road.
I have my resignation letter typed up and ready to print on my computer right now, but I just can’t seem to push the print button and walk it into my boss’s office. Earlier this morning I sat on a dull, PowerPoint filled conference call and a question popped into my head: What are you more scared of, Nailah? A life filled with boring conference calls like this, or the risk of having to start all over again, building a career, a bank account, maybe a less comfortable living situation? Will I be the clichéd thirty-something living on the couch in my mom’s basement? EEK!
I’m afraid of both of these situations, but here’s the difference:
One is a fear of the known…
and one is the fear of the unknown.
The thing about the unknown fear is that you can’t be sure if what you are worried about will really come to fruition. After 15 years of office jobs in large corporate organizations, I know that I am not inspired by meetings and spreadsheets and software implementation. That’s something I know for sure. But what I don’t know is how life will be sans a regular paycheck. I could end up broke and desperate in a Paris bus station. Or I may find other creative ways of making an income that will let me live a comfortable life – ways I would never have discovered from sitting in my cubicle. I may meet people or take part in situations that make me rethink what’s important.
So if I have to answer my own question, my bigger fear is the fear of the known. The fear of begin stuck in the same rut that I’ve been stuck in for years.
So now I just have to Alt+Tab over to my waiting resignation letter, click File…Print… and the OK button! And it will be OK.
Sending good thoughts your way!
Thank you so much, Tat! Keep ’em coming! 🙂
Great post! So glad you pulled the trigger and excited for your journey ahead!
Thank you, April! And know that I have truly appreciated your advice and help along the way.
Of course you’ll be ok! 🙂
Congratulations for taking the plunge. I was feeling the same way as you did, stuck and with no prospect at my job. I have to say I feel much better now, even if the finance question is not solved yet. It does open up a lot of doors and you will definitely see things differently now.
Carminelitta, you are so right. Sometimes you have to clear the distractions out of the way before the new answers will reveal themselves. Thanks for the encouragement!